If Jason Statham can make a new action thriller involving keeping bees, then the door is wide open for a new chapter in his career.
The news that Jason Statham is to make a new action thriller set in the world and mythology of bee keeping is surely the best since we learned Nicolas Cage was making a film about Nicolas Cage. If this particular Statham story has passed you by, he’s set to star in a new project called The Bee Keeper, described as a “lightning-paced thriller deeply steeped in the mythology of bee keeping”.
Well, it’s about time. Notwithstanding the fact that we hope Sting enters talks to play the villain of the piece, we can’t help but think this potentially opens a whole new line of projects for The Stath.
To save his busy agents the job of conceiving such films, the hive mind of myself and my old chum Ryan Lambie (of the brilliant Wireframe magazine) conceived a few possible ideas. It’s Friday. Be gentle.
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THE CRICKETER
He’ll smack you in the googlies
No man knows his boundaries like Lionel Humberton. Played by Jason Statham, he’s the fulcrum of the village team, in a film steeped in the world of cricket. But be careful what side you bat for: when Lionel learns that captain Biffer McTrumpton (Andrew Neill, in his feature debut) is set to leave for another side just months after committing to the team? Well, boundaries have been broken, and legs will be arranged before wickets. And Biffer might not make it to close of play…
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THE CHOREOGRAPHER
He’s always one step ahead.
By day, The Stath works quietly in the background of a local theatre, taking the dancers through their steps and ensuring they don’t go out of time. Steeped in the mythology of choreography, Statham IS Wilfred Cribbage, a man whose own dancing days are behind him. Or are they? Once the theatre goes dark, The Statham’s double life is revealed: he’s trying to work his way up to the Russian National Ballet to infiltrate the Kremlin, one polka at a time.
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THE BELLRINGER
He goes like the clappers
For retired Secret Service operator David Briggs-Bobbington, quiet village life is a welcome respite from the life he left behind. In a film steeped in the mythology of bellringing, he sits, he smoulders, he’s in charge of the ringing of the church bells every Sunday morning. But what’s this? One fateful Sunday, the bells are quiet. The morning mass is ruined. And David Briggs is nowhere to be seen. Someone out there has dropped a clanger, and it’s the start of a day the village will never forget…
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THE BREWER
It’s one pint you don’t want to knock over
A documentary following Jason Statham cranking out a few gallons of homebrew, and then drinking them in his garage. Steeped in the world of brewing, Statham will share his top beer-making tips. You’d be fer-mental to miss it. If someone’ll buy a TV series of Clarkson running a farm, you can’t tell us this isn’t a goer.
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THE POTTER
He’s licenced to kiln
Jason Statham is Jack Clay, a former special forces operative who used to break plates, now he makes them. Steeped in the mythology of pottery, Clay’s fickle pottery wheel of fate won’t just decide who’s about to be turned into dinner, he’ll even make you something to eat it off. And that’s bad news for rival potter Bernard Trilby (Ryan Gosling).
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THE CALLIGRAPHER
He’s kicking up a right pen and ink.
Next summer, Jason Statham will put the curse in cursive writing as Sidney Watson. Steeped in the mythology of calligraphy, Sidney’s just found himself out of work, replaced by a new computer and a very posh printer. He’s not happy. He’s loading up his fountain pen. And blood will flow like ink.
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THE BASKET WEAVER
Meet the real wicker man
Steeped in the mythology of the wicker, Statham plays Albert Rainsford, a retiree with a new hobby. Now, thanks to a special course down at the centre, he can knock up a decent basket in a couple of hours. But when Harold Farquhar (James Corden) is found impaled on one of Albert’s baskets, the chase is on to clear his name – and still have the flower basket ready that he promised for the WI sale.
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THE CANDLEMAKER
Don’t get on his wick
Who do you turn to in a power cut, or when you’re looking for a gift for someone you’ve not idea what to get? You need Roger Arnold’s Candle Shop, a small outlet in the midst of a row of village shops. Jason Statham IS Theodore Smith, in a film steeped in the world of the chandler. But what’s this? The Butcher is dead. The Baker is dead. All that’s left is The Candlemaker – and he’s burning it at both ends…
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THE BIRD KEEPER
You’re getting right on his tits
Jason Statham IS Norman’ Broadhurst, a man who spends his days locked away in his shed with the only friends he can trust. Steeped in the world of avidculture, Norman’s peaceful life is SHATTERED when next door’s cat breaks in and, well, ‘spends some time in the shed’. And as said neighbour – played by Piers Morgan – is about to find out, you don’t want to be messing with the Statham’s tits.
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THE SEARCH ENGINE OPTIMISATION SPECIALIST
You’ll never believe what Statham did next!
Steeped in the world of websites and SEO, Jason Statham is Cedric Bushwacker, a man hired by a website to boost its search traffic in a flailing attempt to stay relevant. But when Cedric suggests an article lampooning a new film role for The Statham, it all goes meta one night when there’s a knock at the door. And Jason is angry.
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Leave your own equally poor suggestions in the comments below…
Images: BigStock
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