There’s a new James Bond trailer for a trailer out – and we’ve dissected it in detail for you.
Well, chums, reality has hit. The consultants – who previously advised us to write this feature ranking the Pirates Of The Caribbean movies and this feature ranking the Speed films – have been back in.
They’ve warned us that we’ll never get massive web traffic unless we start playing the game. There we go, trying to do longform features, and look where it gets us.
Meanwhile, the internet is awash with people much better at attracting readers than us. As such, once again, we’re following the consultant’s whims.
What people want, they assured us, is stuff like trailer breakdowns. As soon as a big trailer breaks they said, go through it and look for clues. Use screenshots and pad it out a bit. Nobody’ll mind, and the clicks will come in. People might even click on those ads or buy a magazine. You never know.
You just leave this to us, we assured said consultants.
Imagine our glee then to learn that the trailer for the trailer for the new James Bond film landed in our inbox just days after we received this advice. We got to work.
This, then, is everything we learned from the trailer for the trailer to No Time To Die. You are very welcome.
DANIEL CRAIG WILL BE QUITE WARM
In the recent Knives Out, Craig can be seen wearing a suit, shirt and tie even as the rest of the cast donned knitwear, whereas here – ironically – he’s actually wearing something that might keep out more of the cold. Perhaps a scarf might be a good idea too, though, just in case it gets windy.
Nonetheless, we can gleam from this that James Bond takes body temperature seriously.
HE WON’T BE LEFT EXPOSED IF THE SUN COMES OUT, THOUGH
Not only is James Bond able to find a parking space in a busy city, he’s also capable of adapting to changes in weather. Perhaps reflecting an underpinning global warming subtext to the film, here he has sunglasses, meaning he’ll be fine if, well, the sun comes out. No doubt a cunning idea from Q, chums.
SOMEONE’S CAR INSURANCE PREMIUM IS ABOUT TO GO THROUGH THE ROOF
If that’s Daniel in that car, no wonder he’s quitting. I drive a small runaround around the West Midlands and can barely keep up with the premiums. He’ll have no chance after that.
JAMES BOND WOULDN’T PASS THE DRIVING THEORY TEST NOW
Us of a certain age only had to take one practical driving test, without having to do the written exam. I’m going to suggest James Bond is one of those. Surely somewhere in the exam is a bit about not flying a motorcycle towards a procession of people leaving church? He’d fail for that, I suspect.
DANIEL CRAIG ADAPTS TO POWER CUTS
Look: the lights go all blue, and instantly, those sunglasses are away. The man is a chameleon.
ONCE THE FILM IS DONE, HE’S GOING TO NEED TO GET A CAN OF PRIMER
Look at the scratches on that! It’s going to take more than a few cans of spray to get the paintwork back into good working order, and sadly, this trailer just landed after Black Friday deals had ended. Amazon had a decent deal on.
Craig can add it to the list of jobs at least once he’s done as Bond. Might need some bulbs instead of machine guns if he’s planning to commute around the UK’s motorway network.
THERE’S SOMEBODY AT THE DOOR
Crushingly, at the point this article could have been on insightful use, I have to confess I’ve no idea who’s behind this glass. Don’t tell the high-ups, though. You know what management is like. They never read this far down.
THE FILM IS CALLED NO TIME TO DIE
Let’s put any doubt about that to bed once and for all.
Final thoughts
Glad we could help there then, chums. Apparently, there’s a longer trailer out on Wednesday, but in truth, we’ve used all our energy spaffing that lot out. Nonetheless, hopefully the consultants are happy, and now we’ll sit back and watch the cash roll in. Kerching!
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