Nicolas Cage has inspired a collection of less than official merchandise, it seems.
Jenny Morrill (@theworldofcrap)
Nicolas Cage’s face is on a lot of things: Nicolas Cage, occasionally John Travolta, and a wide array of pants, bras and general bric a brac.
On my internet travels I’ve found some marvellous Nicolas Cage themed objets d’art, which I am going to share with you, because I’m nice like that. Some of these are even better than the Daniel O’Donnell bingo dabber I once saw on Amazon. Although some, to be quite honest, aren’t.
This fetching bra ‘n’ pants combo is just the thing for stopping people seeing your nipular area. Although be warned – the classic comeback “Hey, my eyes are up here” might not work if you’re wearing this.
Right. I’m not the best at maths, but let’s assume that 100% of people in the world like Nicolas Cage (which they do), and that 50% of people in the world play Pokemon (which they probably do). That means that 150% of people in the world would buy Nicolas-Cage-as-a-Pokemon merchandise. Can’t argue with those figures.
I’m not sure if this is canon in the Pokemon universe. I’m also not sure if you can find this in a standard game of Pokemon Go. To be fair, this is the last thing you need to see while walking along the hard shoulder of the M62, having found a Charmander just outside Leeds.
I’m going to buy one of these, light it, and pray that I’d never agreed to write this bloody thing. Other Nicolas Cage themed things to pray for include an uneventful plane journey, and lustrous hair.
Plus, if your flatmate uses your candle while you’re out, you can legitimately storm up to them and yell “How’d it get burned? HOW’D IT GET BURNED!!!” My sides.
Let’s ignore, for now, the fact that this looks like the world’s most confused Klan member, and that the top of it is accidentally rude. I want to know what activities this blanket is suitable for. Certainly not building a blanket fort. Not a picnic, unless you’ve invited your enemy. Maybe it’s for snuggling up under with your significant other. Although let’s face it – if you buy this, you’re single.
I can’t cope with this blanket. Nicolas himself seems to be saying “Why have you done this to me? Why? What did I ever do to you? Apart from The Wicker Man, obviously. Sorry about that.”
Mona Lisa cushion
I know this is black, but for God’s sake don’t give it to someone as a funeral present. I don’t think funeral presents are even a thing really, but still – don’t bring this to a funeral, it’s really not appropriate.
Might I instead suggest pairing it with the Nicolas Cage bikini for some super sexy times by Nicolas Cage candlelight? Again, don’t do this at a funeral.
Nicolas Cage in a banana
I must have missed the memo on this one. I don’t remember the film where Nicolas Cage is in a banana. I hope it’s a wacky buddy comedy, rather than a heartbreaking story of one man’s struggle to live a normal life while one half of him is in a banana. Or, even more worrying, Nicolas Cage’s take on The Little Mermaid.
Anyway, if this is ‘apeeling’ to you (no need to thank me), you can get this seminal work as a T-shirt, a hand printed canvas, a clock, or a mental image you can’t get rid of.
OK, here’s what you do:
1. Buy these trousers.
2: Wear them to a job interview.
3: Write to this magazine and let us know how you got on.
If anyone gets their job, they’ll win a pencil. (Subject to supply, and some terms and conditions we’ve not yet made up – Ed). Not a Nicolas Cage pencil, because I’m not made of money, or Nicolas Cage pencils.
I bet these do the same thing as the Queen’s face when you fold a fiver.
Nicolas Cage as Disney princesses on a mug
When I started writing this, I didn’t think I’d be faced with two Nicolas Cage/Little Mermaid hybrid images in my head. Thanks a lot internet – this is why I drink gin.
At least I’ve got something interesting to drink it out of now.
3D printed bust
Look, I’m not going to judge anyone for having this, but I definitely am going to judge them as well. Implying I don’t want one. I should just stop lying to myself.
My God, I could make a whole Chess set of these, although I’d keep forgetting which ones I was supposed to be using as pawns. Also I don’t know how to play Chess.
What else are you going to wrap your Nicolas Cage presents up in? Wrapping paper? Don’t be stupid.
For bonus points, stick this on your jumper and turn up at a fancy dress party going “Look lads, I’m Nicolas Cage!” Watch your friends look unimpressed, and then hang out by the mixed nuts on your own all night.