The secrets of how to watch the Harry Potter films, and how to watch them all in order too: everything you need to know, honest.

Several years into our existence, and it’s come to our attention that Film Stories is not the first result for absolutely everything when you search Google. This travesty clearly required some work on our part, and thus we got back in touch with a crack team of consultants who have given us advice on our ‘content’. There’s the first recommendation we were given: we’re not allowed to call our words ‘articles’ or ‘stories’ anymore. This site from this point onwards will now be about ‘compelling digital content’ that we shall seek to ‘monetise’.

These consultant have told us that we have to start playing the game. Following an extensive PowerPoint presentation using long words that we didn’t necessarily understand, they explained to us that the way forward was in writing articles based around exactly what people search for on Google.

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We told them we’re not that kind of site. They, to their credit, explained that wasn’t quite what they meant.

Instead, they pointed to that newspaper that seems to cram the internet with crap like ‘what time does EastEnders start tonight?’ and bilge out 500 words on it. We looked at them with some concern, but it turns out the newspaper makes millions, and we can barely afford enough to switch the kettle on.

As such, here’s our dramatic new direction. We’re very much ‘give the people what they want’, and thus we’ve been advised to start with ‘how to watch’ articles. To get Google attention, we have to get this to at least 500 words apparently, and we’re only half way there. Shit.

We did a quick search as to what everyone else was doing, just to get some, er, ‘tips’. We really have been missing a trick here…

People don’t even know how to watch the films in order? Well crikey. That’s some quality content we can happily crank out.

If, then, you want to watch the Harry Potter films, here are the essential steps that you need to date.

  1. It’s best to start by opening your eyes. We find this pivotal to watching a film.
  2. Check that your television is plugged into the mains, and is pointed towards your eyes. It’s probably best to ensure that you’ve paid your electricity bill, lest your viewing gets interrupted by an unwanted power cut.
  3. If you’ve paid for your telly on the never never, check that your payments are up to date. You don’t want bailiffs coming in to take your flat screen just as Hagrid starts explaining what the hell’s going on.
  4. Turn the television on. Televisions generally come with a manual and a remote control to assist in this task.
  5. Get your DVD, Blu-ray or 4K Ultra HD Blu-ray of the Harry Potter film you want to watch. Remove it from the case, being sure to hold the disc by the edges so as not to get fingermarks on it.
  6. At this stage, you have the option to throw the disc across the room, and see if Netflix has Krull available for streaming. If you cannot locate a copy of Krull, feel free to carry on with Harry Potter
  7. Place your disc in the player and depress the ‘play’ button on your remote control. This is traditionally in the shape of a triangle.
  8. Sit and wait whilst a copyright warning and animated corporate logos and stuff play. Furiously stab buttons on your remote control to try and skip these. It will not work, but it’s an essential part of the process nonetheless. Should you accidentally hit the ‘eject’ button as part of this, go back to step 7.
  9. Sit and watch the film. Get your phone out and scroll through Twitter during the boring bits. There are quite a few of these in the first and second films.
  10. At the end of the film, when the words are going up the screen telling you who did what, sit and read them and gain an appreciation for how many people it takes to make a film. Mutter under your breath when there’s no post-credits scene involving Marvel characters. Remind yourself to do a little joke about this on Twitter later.
  11. Press the eject button on your remote control. The disc will now be released from your player, and it’s good form to put it back in the box.
  12. Replace the disc, in its packaging, in your traditional storage place for it. This might be an organised shelving system, or a heap to the side of the telly.
  13. Finally, if you want to watch all the films in order, then our top tip here is to watch the first one first, then the second, then the third, then the fourth, then the fifth, then the sixth, then the seventh, then the eighth.

Hopefully this collection of essential information has transformed your viewing experience, and resolved the difficulties you may have been facing in understanding how to watch films.

Next time, we’ll get to the bottom of ‘what time is the 10 o’clock news on tonight’. Whilst you ponder that, we’re just off to pay this invoice from the consultants. Does anyone have a spare fifty grand?

With thanks to Ryan Lambie for helping with the complicated bits.

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